


local idiot summoner has only 2 brain cells and hecks stuff up

by AlpacaSoon



Series: Fire Emblem Heroes Drabbles [26]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Comedy, Did I mention just general idiocy?, Female Summoner | Eclat | Kiran, Fluff, Gen, Gender-Neutral Summoner | Eclat | Kiran, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, JUST, My last 2 brain cells dancing to Galactic Mermaid, No Angst, Spoilers for latest chapter, Video Game Mechanics, You know that song, Yugioh Abridged reference @ beginning, absolute stupidity, from Carole & Tuesday, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-07 16:05:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlpacaSoon/pseuds/AlpacaSoon
Summary: This is why isekai doesn’t actually exist in reality, because we are all idiotic idiots and would probably die within the first two seconds of being transported to another world.





	local idiot summoner has only 2 brain cells and hecks stuff up

**Author's Note:**

> Eclat is a FEH friend introduced in my previous fic "Comedy on Main"
> 
> Also, since it's my summer vacation now, all my brain cells spontaneously combusted, so enjoy this crack XD

“Hey, what do you think of Berkut’s lance?” Kiran asked around a mouthful of cake, spraying crumbs everywhere.

Eclat raised her eyebrows, hands cupping her… Well, cup of tea. “The one that gives him more resistance or…?”

“Yeah, yeah, that one.” Kiran swallowed. “Kremheld or whatever.”

“Kr _i_ emh _i_ ld.” Eclat enunciated. “What about it?”

“Well… Like… It’s got that big eye on it. The red one. And it _moves._ And I am so confused. Like, what does it do? Does it give warning to Berkut if there’s an enemy behind him? How does it even communicate. It obviously can’t talk. Like… Does it just, I don’t know, blink angrily at people?”

Eclat smiled a little. “I don’t think it even has eyelids to blink.”

“Oh. Oh, you are very right.” Kiran sat back in their chair, reaching for a cookie now that their slice of cake was finished. For a moment, the two friends sat in silence, Kiran ponderously chewing and Eclat enjoying the silence with her tea.

“Hey, you wanna find out?’

“H-Huh?” Eclat looked up as Kiran suddenly spoke up again. “What?”

“Find out what the eye is for,” Kiran said, leaning forward and grinning. “C’mon, let’s go!”

“Kiran, this is not a very good idea…”

 

* * *

 

“Berkut! Hey, Berkut!” Kiran yelled out, one hand waving towards the fallen prince and the other pulling Eclat behind them.

Said prince looked up from his training, the straw dummy sagging sadly from the pole it was attached to.

“Kiran, this is really _not_ a good idea.” Eclat hissed, but Kiran just pulled her to their side.

“Berkut, I don’t think I’ve introduced you! This is my friend, Eclat.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Lord Berkut.” Eclat said respectfully. “I’m here to make sure Kiran doesn’t make mistakes and chooses _sensible_ life choices.”

“Uhuh!” Kiran grinned brightly. “And that’s why we’re here to investigate your lance!”

“Kiran, I _swear_ to Naga, your Grimadamn _last two_ braincells, _gods_ above, _why—“_

“Kriemhild? Why.” Berkut rasped.

“Well, that weird eye on it!” Kiran responded easily. “Does it have a mouth, so it communicates with you?”

“…No.”

“Huh.” Kiran bent down to be at eye-level with the organ on the lance, which squished over to stare at them. “Hello. Can you speak?”

The eye said nothing. Typical.

“Huh,” Kiran said again nonchalantly, picking up a stick to poke it.

 

* * *

 

“I honestly don’t know how you didn’t see that coming,” Eclat said as she pressed down on Kiran’s bleeding stomach as they coughed out lungfuls of ash.

“I-I just suffered a l-life threatening injury and… And this is how you treat me?” Kiran wheezed.

“Oh, shush. We both know you have an asset in HP, and a healer will get here any second.”

“Agh…”

“Oh, stop being such a drama queen.” Eclat paused. “Can I even call you that? I mean, you are nonbinary after all.”

“Blegh... I think it's gender-neutral.”

 

* * *

 

“Well, it’s been a month now,” Eclat said delicately, once again invited to another one of Kiran’s tea parties. “How’re you feeling?”

“100% back to normal!” Kiran held out a thumbs-up. “I even apologized to Berkut and everything! Although I feel like he should apologize to me, seeing as he, y’know, _stabbed me in the stomach_ and everything.”

“I just hope that incident brought an end to your stupid ideas.”

“Uh, define stupid. Because I am an absolute  _mastermind.”_

“Uhuh.” Eclat replied disbelievingly. “Well, lay the next plan on me.”

“How do laguz clothes work?”

“What?”

“Well, y’know. Bird laguz. How do they fit their wings behind them, when they wear those big, heavy cloaks. At least Myrrh’s wings make sense—she wears a low-backed dress and has that adorable shawl. But what aboutthe others?”

“C-Can’t you just ask them?” Eclat asked incredulously. 

“Well, here’s the thing,” Kiran said, tapping their fingers against the table. “They don’t trust people easily, and are really skittish. And I’m not the most trustworthy type… So they never let me walk behind them, or they just fly everywhere. And how suspicious would it be if I just go up and tell them ‘hey, let me see your back for a second.’ Like, what!?”

Eclat put her head in her hands. “I need to sign you up for a class on how to speak respectfully and subtly.”

“Hey, I can speak respectfully,” Kiran frowned. “I passed that scholarship interview, didn’t I?”

“Kiran, you literally got _five dollars.”_

“Th-That still counts as passing!”

Eclat shook her head, standing up. “C’mon, let’s go find Leanne.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh! Hello!” Leanne called out musically as Eclat and Kiran approached.

“Leanne, hello.” Eclat said with an easy smile. Kiran waved from behind their friend’s back, and Leanne waved back. “How’re your classes with Nino going?”

"They are very good! I am learning lots! Cecilia says I am… Fast learner!”

“That’s fantastic. I’m glad to hear it. Hey, while we’re here, can you do something for us?”

“Of course!”

“Kiran and I are interested in how crane laguz wings are structured. Can you do a quick spin for us, and extend your wings?”

“Yes!” Leanne twirled, flaring out her wings, narrowly missing the summoners’ heads. As she did, Kiran caught a quick glimpse of a low-backed dress, mostly hidden by the Leanne’s elegant wings. “There! Was that good?”

“Wonderful, Leanne. Thank you. Come along, Kiran.” Eclat walked away, Kiran hurrying after them.

“How do you do that?”

_“That,_ my dear friend, is how you talk to women. Perhaps you can use my strategies next time you try to flirt with Lyn, hm? Instead of just acting like a hot mess.”

_“Shut up.”_

 

* * *

 

“Your turn,” Eclat said, indicating Reyson who stood just ahead.

“Right. Right, I can do this. Yeah, I talk to my Heroes all the time. Yeah, this’ll totally work.” Kiran gulped, wondering why their hands suddenly felt so sweaty. “R-Reyson!”

“Good afternoon, Kiran, Eclat.” Reyson nodded to the two of them. “What can I do for you?”

“Eclat and I were curious about crane laguz wings. I know this might be a sensitive topic for you, but can we get a closer look at them?”

Reyson blinked, long and slow. “Well… It’s been quite some time since we’ve known each other now. I suppose so.” And with that, he turned around, flaring out his wings.

“Oh.” Kiran breathed, leaning closer. “Oh, wow. You really do trust me.”

“Of course.” Reyson said, flushing a little. “Quickly, now! I’m a little uncomfortable…”

“O-Of course!” Kiran leaned closer to his back, Eclat coming closer as well. “Oh, so that’s how it works…”

Unconsciously, Kiran lifted their hand and placed it flat on Reyson’s feathers as they peered out how his wings slipped through his clothes.

And that was a Big Mistake.

“GyAcK—“

“Oh cRaP—“

“OW!”

 

* * *

 

Libra could feel his eye twitching. “And just what happened here?” The monk asked, taking in Reyson’s broken hand and askew feathers, Kiran’s dislocated shoulder, and Eclat’s bruised cheek.

“Reflexes,” the three replied in unison.

 

* * *

 

“Seriously, I’m just saying that he went from ‘hello, sir, nice to meet you’ to ‘your daughter calls me daddy too’ real fast.”

Eclat spat out her orange blossom tea. That tea was the only reason she came back. Well, that, and Kiran was her best friend, except that friendship was nearing a dangerous cliff edge. But back to the matter at hand. “WHAT.”

“Just sayin’,” Kiran answered.

“Have you… Just, hold on. Go back. Have you apologized to Reyson?”

“Of course! Everyday until he forgave me.”

“That just sounds like you annoyed him until he forgave you.”

“Oh, trust me, we’re back to best buds now.”

“Okay then.” Eclat went silent again, drinking her tea as Kiran stirred sugar into their cup. An awkward silence fell between them. Finally, Eclat sighed and put her cup down. “Okay, go on. Now that you’ve opened the conversation with _that,_ what do you want to know now?”

“Hel people,” Kiran pounced forward. “Their cores. The bright glow-y things. The jell-o, if you will.”

“…And what about them?” Eclat asked weakly. She didn’t like where this was going.

“Are those cores solid? Are they liquid? If you, like, throw a rock at them, does it go _inside_ them? Oof, I would not like to be having this conversation with Niles.”

“No,” Eclat said faintly, “no, not at all. Anyways,” she swallowed quickly. Best to get this over with. “Wh-What do you want to know about them?”

“Glowsticks.” Kiran had a dangerous gleam in their eyes. “Take Líf—or Alfonse?—for example. If you crack his spine, does he glow brighter?”

Eclat didn’t say anything, feeling like she was going to dissociate from the absolute _stupidity_ of her friend’s brain. She could just _feel_ her own own brain cells dying. And yet…

“Ohohoho, I know that look in your eyes. You’re curious too, Eclat. Tell you what,” Kiran leaned on their hands, tilting their head, “you and me go test this out.”

“…nO—“

 

* * *

 

“Kiran, this is terrible, horrible, no good, very bad plan!” Eclat hissed as she and Kiran crept through the bushes of Hel’s domain.

“Eclat, this is big brain, a GALAXY BRAIN plan,” Kiran hissed back. “We planned this out. You can use swords and little bit of magic, and we both know you have an asset in attack, and you’re, like, level 40. Líf is level 20 at best. We’ll be fine.”

“What about _you?_ You’re about level 10, can only use daggers, which are no good at close combat, and you only have an asset in HP… Or luck, if it existed in this universe.”

“Well, good thing I’m doing the distraction, no?” Kiran waggled their eyebrows, before popping their head out of the bush at the sight of a familiar, blue glow. “Hold! It’s him!”

“Alright… Alright, you remember the plan, right?”

“Yeah! I’ll distract him, and you go in and crack his spine like a glow stick!”

“…This is going to end horribly. Don’t be too loud! We don’t want Hel to know we’re here!”

“Yeah, yeah. Now, go on! HEY! Leafy boi!” Kiran whisper-screamed, popping their full torso out of the bush.

Líf spun around, drawing his sword. Kiran grinned and waved their arms. “Yo, my man! Oh, deary me, you really did not lose any part of your edge phase, did you.”

Líf said nothing and kept advancing. Kiran felt cold sweat starting to drip down the back of their neck. “S-So! You, uh, you come here often? Uh, you wanna know what I’m doing here?”

“Yes.” Líf growled.

“Uh. Um. Uh.” Oh geez, he was very close now, and that was a very sharp sword he was holding. Oh, they’d been talking to Joshua earlier, and he’d said something to them… “Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart!”

Finger guns. A wink. The whole nine yards. Líf stopped short, a look of utter bewilderment coming over his face.

Huh. He looked quite cute, blushing like that. Would his core turn pink—

“HYAH!” Eclat suddenly burst out of the bushes behind him, screeching like a pterodactyl. She held out her sword, but didn’t even use it, instead slamming her foot straight into Líf’s spine.

_Crack, crack, CRACK!_

Oh, that didn’t sound very good. Líf wheezed as he spine caved in.

Oh, but he did shine brighter. He really was like a—

Kiran’s internal monologue came to an abrupt halt as Líf fell on top of them.

“HNNGH, GAH!” They choked out. Líf’s armor felt very cold and very sharp. Oh was that his jell-o core? Hm. A little soft, but their finger didn’t sink into him. Like flesh. Guess they couldn’t use him for washing dishes.

Suddenly realizing the situation they were in, Kiran snapped their eyes up to Líf’s _furious_ red ones.

Oh.

Oh, that was not good at all.

“Oh, shiITAKE MUSHROOMS—“

 

* * *

 

“How… the HEL… Did we survive!?” Eclat gasped, bending over after she and Kiran had yeeted themselves through the portal back to Askr.

“I… have… NO idea… Gyah.” Kiran groaned. “Really gotta work on my cardio. Also... I thought you were the stealthy one but... You sound like... A pterodactyl...”

“Ah… Yeah.” Eclat straightened, feeling her own spine crack ominously as she stretched. “Really, though, how did we survive?”

“He actually reacted when I kicked him where it hurts. Which is odd, to say the least, seeing as… Well.” Kiran straightened as well. “Or maybe… Well, y’know, _bones_ and—“

“Do NOT.” Eclat snapped, slapping her hand over Kiran’s chesire cat grin.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I'm back and have decided that I think I am unable to write anything well that isn't fluff/humor
> 
> I also read over this again and realized I put in a lot of references to unpublished fics that have been sitting in my Google Drive (like, y'all must be confused as heck to that reference about washing dishes in Líf's part)
> 
> Yeah, but I just came back from a vacation to Kyoto combined with a charity trip to Vietnam right after, so my sleep schedule was wack. I couldn't sleep, so I wrote this and... Sleep deprivation is one heck of a kicker.
> 
> But I'm back home now, and have stopped chugging the depresso espresso, so I'm out of my depression now, and I think everything's going to be okay! I'm also working and saving for my own Nintendo Switch, so I'll be able to update my BOTW fic too!
> 
> BOTW 2 YEEEEEET!!!
> 
> Anyways, as always, if you liked this craziness, please leave kudos/comments, and I will see you all next time!


End file.
